Eragon parody
by slayingtheshadow
Summary: cross dressing shades, a salmon obsessed galbatorix who thinks he's a witch, eragons in love with a chicken, Arya has suspicions of murtagh, katrina has a phobia of grass ect reveiw if u like it, if no-one does then i dont see the point in uploading
1. Chapter 1

**Chapter 1- witch kings and cross-dressing shades**

It was 5am in the land of lunat-

"ahem!"

Oh yeah, I mean Alagaesia, and the wind carried a scent that would change the world….

"What, like….chocolate?"

No! not like bloody chocolate! Stop interrupting me when I' trying to give a dramatic narration!

Yes, as I was saying: it was 5am in the land of Alagaesia,

"You already said that…"

AND, the king Galbatorix was lying dead in his thrown….

***

Galbatorix suddenly gasped for breath and opened his eyes. Okay, so maybe he wasn't dead, just severely comatosed.

"wow, what a hangover….." Yawned the king. "I'm totally pissed…….ah well." He shrugged.

"DURZA!" He screamed in a surprisingly high pitch. "Duurzaaaaa!"

"I'm here!" Durza skipped in, smiling.

"I am pissed, Durza…." Muttered Galbatorix quietly in a monotone. "Durza, what the hell are you wearing, Durza?

"erm…."

"You are wearing a dress Durza." He observed.

"Yes." Durza smiled shyly.

"O-M-F-G!!" Screamed Galbatorix. "You tranny!! He screeched, the piercing sound cracking Durzas already chapped lips.

Galbatorix took a deep breath and looked calmly at the shade.

"Now, get me some salmon." The king concluded solemnly. Durza danced out of the room, relieved that his very best friend had accepted his choice of lifestyle.

The king stared blankly around the room with mad, dilated pupils, until, after approximately fifteen minutes, his gaze rested on an old broomstick which was randomly placed in the corner.

"And what is this?" He mumbled, stumbling drunkly towards the object. He studied it…. 'Nimbus 2000' it read at the top in gold swirly writing.

"An elvish broom?" He mused. "Durzaaaaaa!" He screamed once again, whilst running in circles with his arms flailing in the air. Durza lightly sprinted in, this time wearing a layer of thick, bright red lipstick and pushing a trolley piled high with salmon.

"Do you know what this means, Durza?" Asked Galbatorix calmly, pointing at the broom. "This means I am a witch, Durza."

"Sir, I thought you were a dragon rider?"

"That was last week, seriously, keep up you mindless parasite." Snapped the king.

"And besides, I am bored." Galbatorix shrugged simply.


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2- Of chickens and random old men**

Miles and miles and miles and miles and- okay, so you get the idea, miles away, a random teenager was lying on his back in a bale of hay, being trampled on by obese chickens, which were running around (or trying to) like…..headless chickens….

"Beatrix, oh Beatrix, where **have **you been all my sad, god forsaken life? Where were you when I got stabbed in the eye by that stray piece of hay? Where were you when the cow tried to stamp on my face just for trying to feed it a jelly baby? " Eragon slurred to the chicken sat on his head. It clucked.

"I love you all, my best friends!" Eragon said loudly, smiling with arms outstretched whilst looking around at all of the chickens.

"ERAGON!!" Uncle Garrow bellowed. "You've bin in th'r f'r hours! 'ave ya got a chick'n yet?!"

"Quick!" Eragon sat up, eyes darting from side to side. "Don't look at me like that! He wants to eat you! EAT YOU!!" Eragon said to the chickens hysterically. "I cannot let that happen…..but I cannot save all of you! I cannot carry you all! Why was I the unfortunate one, to be born with only TWO arms! Damn you God!" He began to cry. "Why can't I be the hero I was SUPPOSED to be?!"

Eragon grabbed his love, Beatrix, and lifted her onto his head again, revealing a giant blue chicken egg, which hatched into a giant blue lizard.

"WTF?" Eragon swore as he leapt back in surprise. "Beatrix? You gave birth to a….well, it's not a bird….." Eragon cocked his head to one side stupidly. "Oh well." He shrugged, tossing Beatrix into the hay and clutching at the new, deformed blue chicken. He ran out of the barn making a noise like a strangled turkey.

"Sorry Beatrix, I've moved onto better things. It wouldn't have worked between us anyway…..Imagine the children!!"

***

Eragon ran until he was bored, and came across a random old guy.

"I am your father." He said, waving slowly.

Eragon grinned. "YAY!" He yelled, clapping his hands and jumping up and down.

"Wow, peace dude!" Said the old guy, Brom. "Just chill, weeney man!"

"Don't tell me what to be you…you…..you- CHICK-HEAD!" Blurted Eragon, once again thinking of Beatrix and the rest of his beloved chhickens.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3- Stalking the mysterious fit guy

Meanwhile, far away, a fit guy named Murtagh was talking to himself beside a tall tree.

"Oh man, I need to stalk someone……" He said, swaying from side to side and sounding like Robbie Williams on crack. He grinned like a psychopath about to stab someone. "Ah, you are so mad, Murtagh…" He smiled, arrogantly, admiring himself.

Suddenly, out of fucked up randomness, two teenage girls fell from the sky….(well, okay, the tree).

Murtagh pointed at them, eyes wide as if from 24/7 drug use.

"Oh no….." The girl with long blonde hair gasped.

"OMG!" The other girl with awesomely dark hair (guess which one of them wrote this xD ) yelled excitedly.

"Er…What were you doing in a tree?" Murtagh asked, confused.

"Well…." Sighed the dark haired girl happily.

Earlier that day…..

"I'm bored." Whined the blonde girl, JJ, sadly.

"Your face is bored." Kim, the other girl smiled madly.

JJ was sitting calmly, watching Kim drink can after can of energy drinks. After a sudden rush of adrenaline, a psychopathic grin spread across her pale face (Vampire….).

"I've got an idea…."

JJs' eyes widened with fear as she backed slowly away from her insane friend. "Oh no….."

"Lets stalk Murtagh! YAY!" Kim yelled wildly, throwing her hands in the air as her Naruto headband slide over one of her scarily wide icy blue eyes.

The pair walked around for hours, mostly in circles, due to the cockiness of the leader, ie, Kim.

At that precise moment, guess what happened?! No, seriously, guess….no? Fine then….

At that precise moment, a Nazgul- oh, I mean a 'RA'ZAC' stepped out in front of them.

"I have to kill you." It said solemly, as if bored, which it was. JJ cowered behind Kim as Kim screamed, arms outstretched.

"Come on then!! BRING IT!!!" Then she added calmly, "Just one question, why?"

The ra'zac shrugged,. "Got nothing else to do, might as well ruin your lives…." He trailed off, emotionless.

"Okay." Said JJ quietly, looking nervously at the floor.

"You are such a loser." Kim to the ra'zac.

"W-what did you cal me?" Sniffed the ra'zac, cold eyes brimming with tears.

"aww…." Soothed JJ sympathetically .

"Hell yeah!" I dissed a freak!" Kim whooped with delight.

And with that, she kneed (no, not as in making bread) the creature in the balls, and they ran away.

Back to the present…..

"That still doesn't explain why you were in a tree."

"Tarzan." Shrugged JJ

"OH YEAH!" Kim yelled. "We were swinging from vines, and here we are! Ah argh!" Kim added her hyper wookie impression.

"So….Shall we stalk someone?" Murtagh hovered, arms out for balance.

"Sure!" Kim grinned brightly.

"What?!" JJ exclaimed.

"Come on!" Called Kim.

"But-"

"No buts, we must go, hairy monkey." And with that, Kim skipped off to catch up with Murtagh.


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4- Broms' plan, escape to the freedom lovers!

"Wow…this chicken is awesome…." Said Eragon, staring wide eyed at Saphira.

"Hey, dude? She's totally not a chicken. She's a dragon!"

"Wow….talk about evolving….like…in pokemon….wow omg I wish we had pokemon here….." Eragon muttered longingly. "Every country seems to have shown pokemon but ours….all we have is awesome real dragons and awesome elf swords, and awesome cat-men and-" Eragon paused for breath. "Yeah, this country sucks…."

Saphira snorted at him. "Little do they know….I am neither of these things…." She thought slyly.

"YAY!" Eragon shouted gayly.

"I'm a flying monkey, idiot." Saphira glared at him.

There was an awkward silence until Brom asked: "Oh man, this is insane dudes! Why monkey?! In mean, they smell!!"

"They do not smell, old man….." Saphira snarled at him. "I like bananas." Saphira shrugged, embarrassed.

"YAY! BANANAS!" Eragon yelled again, this time while moris dancing.

"Eragon, hey, Eragon? Dude? You need to like, totally hear me out, man." Brom said, watching Eragon dance, genuinely concerned about Eragons' mental health. "You need to go to the Varden."

"Who?" Eragon paused his ridiculous dance routine.

"Oh man……the freedom lovers!"

"Ah, you mean like, hippies?"

"Totally." Brom sighed happily.

"Will they have bananas?" Saphira chipped in sternly.

"Er….yeah, loads."

"Will there be chickens?" Spoke Eragon with the sincerest of concerns.

"Er….yeah, loads." Repeated Brom.

Eragon rose heroically before slipping on a wet leaf.

"To the Varden." He said weakly, clutching his knees to his chest as he lay on his side in pain.


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter 5- Sloans' place**

**Back in Carvahall, Garrow was pissed.**

"**Damn ye Eragon!" He moaned with his head in his hands. "Ya didn't ev'n get us a chick'n!" He sniffed before roaring for Roran.**

"**What is it dad?!" Roran squeaked.**

"**Erag'n ran away, the toss'n shit 'ead." He stood up. "Roran, ya need to go to Sloan, buy us th' cheapest crap th'r."**

"**S-Sloan?" Stuttered Roran.**

"**Argh yes! Ya know? The fat bastard down th' road!" Garrow shouted impatiently.**

"**Y-yes, sir." Roran struggled quietly. And with that, he ran away.**

*******

**At the local butchers, Sloan was busy serenading a piece of beef in a dream like state.**

"**Ar, me beauty." He said when he had finished singing, as he molested the slab of raw meat. "Beef, my beef, you will never know how much you mean to me. I could never cook you."**

**Roran burst through the butchers door and dived across the table head first, knocking Sloan and sending the piece of beef soaring into the air.**

"**NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!" Wailed Sloan, throwing himself to one side in a vain attempt to rescue his one and only love. "Beeeeeeeeeeef!!" He cried, tears pouring down his greasy skin as he flew in slow motion with his arms out in front of him.**

**The beef flopped onto the wooden floor boards, Sloan in close pursuit. He slapped against the floor. He broke down, he had not been able to save his finely cut meat. The theme music from Titanic began to play as the floor began to crack under Sloans weight, and he sank, clawing for his love as he went down to Celine Dions' My heart will go on.**

**Every night in my dreams I see you. I feel you. That is how I know you go on. Far across the distance And spaces between us You have come to show you go on. Near, far, wherever you are I believe that the heart does go on Once more you open the door And you're here in my heart And my heart will go on and on.**

**For a while, Roran stood stunned with his jaw hung open. He remained in this way for around twenty-five minutes, staring at the gaping hole in the floor before him. Eventually, he broke his gaze and padded past the pit, stooping to pick up the meat.**

"**This'll do." Roran smirked. "Daddy WILL **be pleased." He said as he tossed the beef up and down in his palm. He then (stupidly) placed some coins on the counter. As he turned towards the door, Katrina bounded in.

"Oh. Hi Katrina. Wanna go out?" He mumbled reluctantly.

"Really?!" Squealed Katrina like a Rob Pattinson fan girl. She jumped up and down, clapping her hands.

"Wow. You do know I'm only doing this 'cos your father hated me and I always wanted to piss him off, right?" Roran spoke boldly. It was all a front of course, he just wanted to look hard to everyone but his father, who frightened him very much.

"Okay!" Katrina cheered. "Let's go on a date!"

"Er, my house? My dad can cook the three of us this." Roran said awkwardly as he held up the beef.

"So…..our first ever date is lunch with your dad?"

"Yeah. Problem?"

"No." She squeaked.


	6. Chapter 6

**Chapter 6- Elves and energy drinks**

**Six chapters into the parody, and Kim, JJ, and Murtagh were relieved that Arya, Chris paolinis' favourite emo, still hadn't shown…..**

"**This is how the story should have been….." Smiled JJ to herself, sitting on the floor with her back against a tree.**

"**Ah, bliss!" Murtagh muttered, relaxed. "I've never felt this high…"**

**Kim sprang up and faced him. "Are you serious?!" The other two stared at her. "Here, try this." Kim handed him a large can of her favourite energy drink, Relentless, and stepped back. Murtagh stood and took a long sip, his head tilting further back every second.**

**Once he had finished, he slapped his lips thoughtfully and handed Kim the empty can.**

"**Er…thanks." Kim mused, tipping the can upside down to check there was nothing left. **

"**Oh no." JJ poked Kim and they both looked up at Murtagh. A mad grin crept quickly across his face as his eyes widened.**

"**OMG!" Murtagh yelled with immense hyperness.**

"**YEAH! AWESOME!" Kin joined in. She had been drinking her other favourite energy drink- Rockstar.**

"**WOOHOO!!" Screamed Murtagh loudly, throwing his arms up as he did so, sending any nearby birds flapping madly in a desperate bid to escape.**

**For the next hour and thirty minutes, JJ stared in disbelief as Kim and Murtagh chased each other in circles around her whilst waving tree branches above their heads.**

"**Well, it could be worse….."**

"**OH YEAH?" Screamed Kim, as she and Murtagh slowed to a halt and threw their sticks to the floor.**

"**Well, at least Arya isn't here." Shrugged JJ with a sigh.**

"**Oh yeah." Kim and Murtagh nodded in sync solemnly with agreement.**

"**Hey guys!" Squeaked a talking mouse from behind a bush.**

"**What the hell?" Kim whispered to Murtagh. They burst out laughing. "WTF?"**

**Yet, as the branches parted, the laughter abruptly ended.**

"**No way." JJ whined quietly. Arya walked towards them.**

"**OMG." Murtagh swayed.**

**Kim felt the anger burn inside of her.**

"**FUCKING HELL!" She screamed like a banshee being hit by a train, which is also on fire.**

**She flung a random coat peg that she found in the pocket of her favourite skinny jeans at the elf.**

**Arya screeched, her hands flying to her face as the peg impaled her. She collapsed gasping onto the forest floor before dying.**

"**Oops. I bet Eragon'll be pissed."**

"**Ssshh, he doesn't know her yet, remember?"**

**Only one minute after the 'unfortunate accident', Arya woke up. She had been unconscious the whole (not dead ****L) the whole time. **

**As she opened her beetle like eyes, she sat up in horror. Directly in front of her stood Murtagh, his pale face shining in the sun, framed by contrasting locks of black hair. Her gaze then switched downwards, only to see his long black cape billowing in the wind.**

"**V-vampire?" She spoke wearily, her head buzzing.**

"**What the hell are you on?" Murtagh replied with the same tone.**

"**Stop looking at him!" Kim threw herself at Arya.**

"**That vampire tried to kill me!" Arya panicked. "He threw this at me!" She screamed, peeling the coat peg from her face.**

"**WTF? It wasn't him it was-"**

"**Yes it was! He will kill us all!"**

**Kim looked at her with one eyebrow raised before punching her. **


	7. Chapter 7

_Chapter 7- The fateful dream_

_**Later that night, Eragon had a weird dream. **_

_**He was stood in a random forest (yeah, that's right, a FOREST. Not looking into a prison cell like he was supposed to). There, in the clearing just ahead of him, he saw an anorexic girl spinning around in demented circles. **_

"_**OMG, I love trees! OMG." Arya warbled excitedly. However, then she noticed Eragon, and her expression dulled, her forehead creasing in a pathetic attempt to look anxious for her pitiful life.**_

"_**Little boy!" She gasped, contributing to the 'worried' and 'fearful' act. "You must save me."**_

_**There was a long silence.**_

"_**Why?" **_

_**Arya's face dropped as she gasped again.**_

"_**Because I am pretty and incapable of doing any standard task myself." She stated bluntly, so the idiot in front of her could understand.**_

'_**She is pretty…..**_**' Thought Eragon. **_**'No. I mustn't think this way! Poor Beatrix!'**_

**The mere thought of betraying his beloved back home brought tears to his eyes. Then he spotted the feathers in Arya's hair.**

"**Oh. My. Beatrix."**

**Without knowing the reason why and presuming that it was to do with her ' astonishing beauty' Arya sensed that she had his attention.**

"**you need to save me from-"**

"**DO YOU LIKE CHICKENS?" Eragon cut her off.**

"**Yeah….I guess…." Answered the 'elf', taken aback. "I see them a lot around my kingdom…."**

**Eragon stood rooted to the spot, his jaw hung open and his eyes large as realisation flooded through him.**

"**Your…kingdom?"**

"**Er…yeah….I AM a princess…" She shrugged, slightly irritated that this boy had not heard of her greatness.**

"**Omg… a princess of chickens?"**

"**Huh? Yeah whatever….listen, I need you to save me from-"**

"**Anything- I'll do anything!"**

**Arya raised an eyebrow in slight confusion. "Save me from the vampire."**

**With that, the vision faded and Eragon woke up.**

"**I'LL SAVE YOU CHICKEN LADY!" Eragon cried as he threw himself forward, stringy arms swinging about his head hysterically. **

**Brom, who had been sat beside the lunatic the entire time, shuffled closer to his side and leant over the boy, eyes wide and clouded with insanity. Thick black rings surrounded his eyeballs. The result of smoking drugs and staying up throughout the night whilst playing an elven ukulele (and even that was out of tune). **

"**Wazzup?" Brom interrogated slowly, his speech slurred.**

**Already habituated to the old mans antics, Eragon took no notice and only bellowed.**

"**WE'VE GOT TO SAVE THE CHICKEN PRINCESS!"**

"**Oh man…"Brom let his head fall to his hand were he held it. "Not this chicken shit again…..I need a drink dude….see ya later." **

**And with that, Brom launched himself at a bottle of gin and ran away with it, scuttling with great haste off towards the woods.**


	8. Chapter 8

**Chapter 8- For some reason, marshmallows feature prominently in this chapter.**

Deep in the forest, amongst a collection of native Orbiting Oaks (which, as soon as the sun goes down, stretched their stiff, moss covered joints before circling the surrounded persons whilst performing a brisk Morris Dance) lay a small and apparently insignificant camp. However, sat around the small, flickering fire was our travelling trio, hunched forward, their frozen bodies inclined toward the inviting warmth that the camp fire offered.

"B-b-bloody h-hell" JJ spluttered eventually. "It-it- it's f-freezing." She continued to chatter, her teeth slamming together so hard and loud that Kim imagined them smashing into shards of ice, leaving her friend with horrific gaps in her set of pearly whites. Kim chuckled inaudibly at the thought- sick things often amused her.

_Time for dinner. _Kim thought abruptly, the burst of happiness she had felt at her vision of her toothless friend ebbing away as she realised where her priorities lay.

Reaching into her drawstring 'Bullet For My Valentine' bag, she grasped a large pocket of plastic. She pulled it out with a yank, and dived in and out of the pouch, this time clutching a squishy pink and white object. She flung the bag of marshmallows at Murtagh, who eyed it suspiciously.

"Eat." Kim ordered sternly, glaring at him.

Murtagh opened his mouth to protest, but quickly closed it again- he really couldn't be assed.

_Well, I guess the drink she gave me was good. _He mused in an attempt to convince himself. He proceeded with caution, and slowly licked the corner of a marshmallow, his eyes still locked accusingly on Kim.

_LOL. He's pissed now. _She thought with some pleasure. Although she had decided she loved him, Kim couldn't help but feel satisfied when she had successfully used up a victims quota of patience.

Reluctantly, (mainly because she didn't want to be thought of as a crazed fan girl) Kim tore her gaze from him and turned to glare at Arya, her second favourite past-time. Arya, who was still unconscious (some things never change, do they?) sat bound (with the thickest rope the group could find) to one of the Oscillating Oaks (they had hoped it would carry her off away from them).

Yet, as JJ froze and Murtagh licked marshmallows, Kim's eyes widened. [This time it wasn't because she had been drinking energy beverages.]. No, she had just seen the tiny flicker of Arya's eyelid, like the annoying flitting of a moth in your face.

_Yeah, if only I could squish her into dust. _Kim thought viciously with flared nostrils. And, as Arya woke, Kim turned away, due to a phobia of female elves and Murtagh withdrawal symptoms.

Arya and JJ sat in silence, the long shadows thrown from the fire dancing across their pissed facial expressions. Their arms were folded tightly against their chests to emphasise their annoyance as they watched Kim and Murtagh eating mallow after mallow, roasting them on long twigs.

"Hey, can't we have one?" Arya peeped from her termite ravaged tree.

"Soz Arya, they erm…they're not suitable for vegetarians." Kim shrugged, smirking whilst she pointed to the packet which actually said 'fat free'. Instead, Kim passed the bag to JJ.

JJ grinned. "Yayness!"

Arya was getting more emotional by the second , so much so that she could feel her head about to jet off. She decided to voice her concerns to the others, in a feeble attempt to appeal to their better nature. She was in for a disappointment. As she spoke, Kim, JJ and Murtagh stared blankly and, for a moment, all was still around the camp.

Kim was the first to give her mirth away, as, due to her vivid imagination, she pictured Arya's miniscule face screaming off into the blackness above them like a half-blown-up balloon being let off. She imagined the blood (green in her vision as she knew that elves only ate vegetables), spurting from the torn neck as the headless body collapsed. This made Kim think of one of her favourite films, Sweeney Todd, and she laughed and imagine some more. JJ came next, because although she was super polite, she really hated Arya. Then came Murtagh. He had only survived few extra seconds as he was the only one amongst the three of them to have an ounce of morality. However, he also possessed a brain, and a sense of humour, so he soon followed the other two and rolled about the floor in fits of laughter.

When the trio had recovered, they crawled back to the logs were they had sat.

"Erm…..sorry…." JJ spoke slowly, her eyes fixed on her shuffling feet. Kim and Murtagh glared at her.

"Sorry." JJ shrugged again. The intensity of the glares only increased.

_Fine then, asses. _JJ thought.

Around half an hour passed, and Arya was getting bored of hearing Kim ask Murtagh about all his 'awesome' deeds and adventures.

_This chapter is getting way too long. _Arya moped. _Maybe it will end once something exciting happens. _She resolved to annoy the hell out of everyone until she got her own way.

She made a disgusted sound and yapped like a strangled Yorkshire terrier at Kim.

"Like, omg, why do you like him so much anyway?"

Kim's eyes narrowed and flashed a hard, cold blue as her jaw stiffened.

Arya searched her mind for anything she could criticize about Murtagh. It took a while, since everyone knows that there's nothing to pick at. Finally, she spluttered.

"I mean, he IS a vampire, and vampires are evil demons, and-"

_Don't mention the hair, don't mention the hair._

"Just look at his hair! Like, does he even wash it?"

Kim leapt to her feet, sending the marshmallows flying. She snarled like some feral beast, eyes blazing fiercely.

"Say that again." She growled through clenched teeth. "And I'll saw your head off with…with…WITH THIS!" she furiously waved the marshmallow skewer through the air.

Pissed as he was, Murtagh didn't want the chapter to close just yet, so he tried to calm Kim down. She shot him a pained expression.

"Like she can talk anyway…for an elf she certainly isn't all they're cracked up to be." She spoke bitterly.

It was Arya's turn to tense. She retaliated, glaring coldly at the man who was foiling her attempts to end the chapter.

"And of course, we all know who his father was." She spat acidly, still staring hatefully at him.

Kim saw Murtagh wince slightly and his eyes close briefly before the expression twisted. His upper lip curled over as he snarled dangerously, displaying a set of sparkling white teeth.

Kim, JJ and even Arya gasped as they realised that his two canine teeth were slightly curved and elongated…and savagely sharp.

"So you really are a vampire."


End file.
